to a younger selena,
hey, i hope you’re doing okay.
it’s scary. i know. you find living exhausting. it’s more than just teenage angst; you envision jumping off of bridges so often that you’ve unhealthily normalized suicide. you plan ways to overdose; you think of how you would acquire a gun so that you can shoot yourself. the only force stopping you is not fear of death, but fear that you wouldn’t die, that you’d make a mistake somewhere and you’d be left in a hospital. you frequently wonder what the point of everything is when you’re so sure you’re going to end everything one day. you lie in bed and you’ve convinced yourself that the world would be better without you. that your presence is so insignificant and minuscule that it wouldn’t make a difference whether you’re dead or not.
you live with this. (for how long? for 4 years?) this endless feeling of uneasiness: what is the point of trying when you’re going to end it all anyway?
you’re scared of the future. you’re not particularly smart, but you really want to get into post-secondary. you want to study computer engineering. you want a ticket out of this city, so you aim for a faraway school where you can forget anybody and everybody. you’ve been moving around your whole life anyway; vancouver is not your home.
you think this is the solution. you’re ashamed of your thoughts. you tell your closest friends but you choke up when it comes to seeking help. your heart tightens when the thought of even someone noticing something’s wrong with you arises. you are so scared.
you live with insecurities (and it hurts). you don’t hold any value to your life. you’ve had a rough upbringing, and the financial insecurity of your childhood carries over in your teenage years. you live with constant anxiety about being financially unstable. you hate the way you look; you don’t think you’re pretty at all. you’re fat and ugly and worthless. you struggle with this for a long time. you never stop struggling with it. you constantly compare yourself to others (and you still do). there’s not a shred of confidence in you. at least you find yourself an outlet where you can express yourself (this blog).
when you get a little bit older, it gets worse. you develop severe anxiety about the future. you skip classes sometimes to go to lions gate bridge, where you come so close to jumping off (fear stops you). you regret not jumping off two weeks later. you’re so small, and the world is so large. you must not forget this.
you never lose these feelings of insecurity and self-hatred. except now, you keep yourself busy. there are glimpses of happiness throughout these 5 years: you play tera endlessly and develop an online community. you meet this guy and the two of you become really close: he stops you from killing yourself many times. he becomes your anchor. you depend on him emotionally.
i know how all the nooses felt. sometimes it’s unbearable. but you somehow bear through it. you meet people that you can depend on. you make promises that you won’t kill yourself. your life becomes a timeline of just being able to survive a couple months more; a couple months turns into a year. you’re still alive.
please do not worry. you turn out okay. your dreams come true. you’re barely making it. you’re okay. you’re going to be okay.
